The top three L.A. dates for those who hate dating.
by Dan Gillis III
Everybody knows that dating sucks. In the old days, dating was so much easier: you’d ride your triceratops up to a floating castle while a damsel (or VanDamsel) would prance a unicorn down an iridescent rainbow, and minutes later you’d perform the seventh position of the Kama Sutra (the praying mantis).
Yes, this is how my parents met.
It was the Swinging ’70s, and times were so much simpler. So what do you do today? And moreover, what do you do once you’ve met that special someone while picking up their dog’s ass dumplings at the dog park or pontificating about post-surrealism at a gallery? Do you just give up and take them on a trite dinner and a movie date? No, you just need a little help from your favorite fucker, Dan Gillis III. To make your life easier, I have created the Interstate of Dating as a roadmap to the best dates you’ve never been on.
The “Arizona”
The best dates I went on were in high school, so this date brings you back to the good ol’ days of dry humping and halfway handjobs. First, walk with your date to the closest Vons. Instruct your date to buy something “embarrassing” like a cucumber, medical gloves and Astroglide, as well as a pack of Cinnaburst gum. While your date is spinning a web of subterfuge, do your best to steal a handful of dust-covered airplane-sized bottles of booze. I recommend Goldschlager. Proceed to the parking lot whereupon you should immediately jump into a shopping cart, suggesting that your date “push you around.” While speeding around the parking lot, make sure to imbibe plenty of the stolen alcohol and discuss who would be in the best band of all time, always keeping watch for when your date decides to chew a piece of gum. Upon this occurrence, immediately say, “I don’t feel good,” and with great deftness, exit the cart. It is at this point that you should vomit (remember to be polite and aim away from your partner’s shoes) and reach for your date’s hand. Once done, your date should ask if you’re OK. It is at this point that you should make direct eye contact and ask for a piece of gum, thereby proceeding to “French” your date under the yellow humming lights of the parking lot.
Second base should take place under the bleachers.
The “New York”
Every good date in New York involves danger and hotpants. So, for this date you should begin at Latin American fusion restaurant Ciudad downtown, where you’ll imbibe mojitos and discuss how much the décor looks like Kandinsky. This will indeed impress your date, but not as much as when you say, “My friend (insert fake DJ name) is spinning at the Standard, wanna go?” Proceed to the rooftop bar at the Standard and act disgusted at “how L.A.” the people are there, even if they are Asian businessmen wearing nametags. It is now time to approach the DJ while your date is checkin’ out a waitress’ hot pants. Ask for some Lionel Richie, which they certainly won’t have, but this will give the appearance of conversation. At this point return to your date and say, “This scene is sooo dead, let’s roll.” Now begins the long walk to The Smell, where you will undoubtedly encounter a vagrant or two. Do not be alarmed, they can help you on your road to Getting-laid-ville. After not giving them any money, blame “Reaganomics” for their predicament, which will help you appear sensitive and not a Republican. Once at The Smell, tell the doorperson that you work for L.A. Alternative and you’re there to cover the show. Enter the venue, proceed to a dark corner and commence heavy petting during Bipolar Bear’s set.
The “Oregon”
This date begins in a nondescript bong store around Venice Beach. The perfect weather for said date is an overcast day with a 60 percent chance of sweaters. You and your date enter the International Youth Hostel and meet a Dutch backpacker named Tomas Jensen, whereupon you ask if you can “take him on a Los Angeles tour” in exchange for weed. Once in the car, drive up the coast pretending that you and your date are friends with Mario Lopez, impressing the Dutchman with your knowledge of syndicated television stars. Once you’ve reached Neptune’s Net (the greasy-good Malibu fish shack and CPA biker haunt), leave Jens in the car while you chow on some fish’n'chips, doing your best to reach for the tartar sauce at the same time as your date, as to have a Tom Hanks You’ve Got Mail moment. When your eyes meet, take a gargantuan bong rip (remember to be polite and let your date have the first hit) and watch the sun gracefully set over our beloved ocean.
To receive desired results, repeat bong loads as necessary.
Waste life with Dan Gillis III’s blog at www.underbellyLA.blogspot.com.