Color Crisis

Picking a color for the new MTA line shouldn’t be taken lightly…or darkly.
by Gavin Shulman

Stop everything, people: There is a crisis, and it’s about color. More specifically, it’s about what color to assign the new light rail line that will travel from Downtown to Culver City. On the one hand are the transit authority workers who believe the train line should be designated “Aqua.” But, somewhere on the other side of the rainbow is Bernard C. Parks, and various MTA board members, who believe the rail line should be a “rose-like” color. Last week the issue finally came to a vote, and, according to the L.A. Times, the sides were “hopelessly dead-locked” and unable to reach a decision. So for now, the new train knows no color.

This is a big deal, people. We’re not talking about coloring inside the lines or coloring outside the lines. We are talking about coloring the line. We are talking about the color scheme that countless commuters to and from Culver City will have to experience every morning and night. We are talking about the aesthetic atmosphere that the minimum wage masses, unable to drive their Mercedes on the freeway, will have to live with twice a day, every day, from now until the end of days.

Because, when it comes to train lines, the color becomes the name. These board members are faced with a decision for all of posterity. If they should go with The Fuchsia Line, then The Fuchsia Line it will be until the apocalyptical Armageddon strikes, wipes out all of humanity, and a new form of life springs up with a language lacking any verbal expression of “Fuchsia.” Which is why, when making such a ginormous decision, we must proceed with caution. We must consider both sides of the debate.

First up, let’s consider the transit workers’ proposal of Aqua. I’m just not sure. Aqua is one of those colors that pretentious people say is their favorite. Like teal or magenta. Not to mention, if I’m going to be taking a trip on something called The Aqua Line, I want it to have a glass bottom and show me a guided tour of exotic ocean life. Plus, it’s got a Q. Which seems inappropriate for mass transit.

Then there’s the “Rose-like” initiative. I actually think this one might have some potential. In fact, I was going to suggest a floral pattern. Y’know, something springy. Something lush. Something lively. Really, make the passenger feel like they’re not on a steel horse, but a galloping, breathing one. Though, I’m not sure Rose-like will really catch on. “Come on over to my house tonight, guys! It’s only three stops on The Rose-like Line.”

Maybe what the two sides should do is try a compromise. The Aqua Rose Line. It will be the age of Aqua Rose. And the train can have a whole Hair theme.

Or, they could try something completely different. For example, they could call it The Picket Line and paint a white fence on the side, give it an American Dream motif. Or, how about when it’s headed west it’s called The Pick-Up Line, and when it’s going east toward Downtown, The Drop-Off Line. I was also considering The Check-Out Line, but that seemed a little morbid. What about The Good Line? The Fine Line? The Straight Line? That might be a little intolerant. The Chorus Line? The Opening Line? Whose Line is it Anyway? The Last Line? The Long Line? Those are all better than just some color.

The fact of the matter is that City Council and the MTA are simply at a standstill when it comes to coloring this traffic-avoiding mode of transportation. They’re bumper to bumper, and no one is willing to budge. It was stop-and-go for a while, but now it’s just stop. Every time it looks like the situation might clear up, the red lights show up again as the aqua-backers slam on the brakes. The board and transit workers are really in a jam.

A line in the street has been drawn, and now is the time we must all decide on which side of the spectrum we stand.

There is probably a point to be made about bureaucratic red tape—or should I say aqua tape—that one could make here. There is potentially an argument against political inadequacy and inefficiency, that our revered counsel is arguing hues instead of hows. There is probably a joke to be poked at city officials unable to decide on something as simple as a shade for a train. But that would undermine the entire situation we have here. That would detract from this being taken as a big deal, and would make ridiculous what is, in reality, a decision of profound enormity and infinite impact. That may make us take lightly something that is clearly meant darkly, which would just be wrong. Because people, we have a real color crisis here. LAA