Penis Lies and Silky Guy Thighs

By Jen Sincero

Dear Jen,
I’m having a problem with the guys I’m meeting online. I’m just looking to get laid, but am getting discouraged because of all the lying! If I meet one more guy who tells me he’s hung, and then I drag myself all the way over there only to find out he’s not, I’m going to go crazy. What is up with that? Do they think I won’t notice that they’re handing me a pencil when I asked for a can of spray paint? Why is everyone wasting my time? I’m very honest and clear in my ads. I wish they would be too.
- Fed-Up Size Queen

Dear Queen,
I’m having the same sort of problem finding a couch on Craigslist. I’m looking for a very specific size (under six feet long, unlike some people around here), but it has to be super comfortable, and I keep running across people who are like, “Sure! Come on by and take it for a spin - you won’t want to get up once you sit down!” I realize it’s open to interpretation, but since when is a spring up the ass considered comfortable? I think the same thing to myself - do they think I won’t notice? Do they hope I’ll be so smitten with the two decorative pillows they’re throwing in for free that I’ll take it? Or were they born without ass nerves and truly believe that this is what comfort is?

In your case, perhaps the people you’re dealing with think their members are larger than they really are. Kind of like ugly kids whose parents tell them they’re beautiful - maybe they were deluded by concerned fathers who were lovingly trying to boost their egos. “Holy Jesus on a stick, will you take a look at the size of that thing, son? It looks like you’ve got a gorilla in your pants! We’re gonna have to get you a lumbar strap so you don’t blow out your back.”

Either that, or they’re hoping that once you meet them, you’ll be so blown away by their charm and skill that you’ll abandon your Meat Quest and take on a lighter load. Or they’re resentful of your shallow ways and want to teach you a lesson. Who the hell knows?

Either way, a lie is a lie. It’s one of the “big three” that we all learn as children:
Don’t lie. Share. Always say please and thank you. This goes for penises too, people. (And presidents.) I have nothing against the lesser-endowed, but I have a big problem with people wasting other people’s time. Think about it - we all have a very finite amount of it. It’s a precious commodity, so I don’t blame you for being annoyed.

My only advice to you is to make it even clearer on your ads. Ask for measurements and photos. Explain that you’re looking for a bowling pin, not a boyfriend. And charge them for gas if you show up and you’re greeted by Tiny Tim.

Dear Jen,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and the other day I came home early and caught him trying on my panties. He told me he’d been doing it for about a year, and I totally freaked out. I felt like he’d somehow been lying to me. It made me feel icky, and now I don’t know what to do. I love him, but don’t feel like I can trust him. He swears he just has a thing for panties, that he’s not gay or a drag queen or anything, but even that is a bit much for me. I honestly find it disgusting. How can I get him to stop?
- Put Off By The Panties

Dear Panties,
Poor men. Women get to wear pants, ties, blazers, strap on dildos, and now they’re even making girl versions of boy panties with fake pee pee trap doors in them. Meanwhile, a guy can’t walk down the street in a skirt without leaving behind a wake of giggles, or very probably even getting beaten up. The only time they get to cross-dress with reckless abandon is if they’re queer. Or in a band. It’s not fair. If I was a guy I’d probably have a panty fetish too. They’re so smooth and silky and sexy compared to tired old boxer shorts. The poor guy was probably feeling frustrated and left out of the fun. Wanted to get his ya ya’s out. Who can blame him?

You can’t force him to stop any more than you can force yourself to find it hot. Relationships are all about compromise, and you have to figure out if this is a deal breaker or not. As far as him lying to you about it, he should have told you, but this is large, Marge, and he probably knew you were going to freak out. Which leads me to believe he loves you and is scared to lose you. Does that count for anything? The ball is in your panties at this point. You have to decide if you can hang with his fetish or not. You don’t have to be gung ho about it, but you do have to be OK with it.

I suggest you go online and check out some fetish groups so you don’t feel like you’re alone on a freak raft. You’d be amazed by how common this is, and it may make it easier to swallow. It’ll also make you look at every guy you pass on the street differently. I used to shop at this drag queen store in the meat packing district in New York because I’m a giant and can never find shoes or pants in my size. It was a tall person’s paradise - size 12 shoes for as far as the eye can see, fake boobies, boas, tiaras, cheekless leather chaps with a 38″ inseam! One day I was there and there were these two regular-guy cops trying on shoes. They had thick Brooklyn accents and nary a limp wrist between them, but they were totally into it, saying things like, “Hey Joe, do these pumps go with my clutch?”
“Which one?”
“My new one, with the pearls.”
“Oh yeah, yeah, looks good.”
It was awesome. They told me they were married and totally straight, but they just liked to look pretty every once in a while. Bada bing bada boom.

You should also get some counseling and really try and understand where he’s coming from. If you love him like you say you do, it’s totally worth wrapping your head around it. Otherwise it won’t be fair to either of you to stick around.